Ace of Clubs (page 78)

So I'm into the book. At first I wasn't and it almost felt like a Looking for Alaska repeat (three boys, one girl, one boy in love with the one girl) but it's unfolding well. I'm still shocked about the whole incident at midnight on that creepy street and still puzzled by the girl who runs barefoot. What sort of hitmen use violence to get someone to do good? It's all sort of weird but I like it. It's fresh -- different from what I've been reading lately (crap MONSTER and such). I laugh out loud once in awhile -- the whole bank robbery had me laughing because it was like they didn't care that this man was robbing the bank and they weren't scared. I'd be scared of anyone with a gun.

I'm so sorry you are disconnected. I would feel lonely, too. Today I bought a lamp for the house and discovered lamp light makes our house feel like a home. More lamps this week.

I'm also trying to get one thing done each day of my break. Today I folded four loads of laundry during conference. Even though all the stacks are still sitting on the couch, they're folded. Tomorrow: bedding washed. Monday: our depressing closet cleaned. Tuesday: take a break if you get the closet cleaned.

It's nice to have time to get stuff done. Do you realize I grADUATE in a few weeks?


I hope you get connected soon. I also hope your baby is still laughing a lot with his chubby cheeks.

No internet!

I'm stuck without a computer. I am not connected to the world and it makes me feel lonely. I also am not receiving mysterious face cards in the mail which also makes me feel lonely. Baby misses winona.

Quiche

That is what I'm making for dinner tonight. However, I went all the way to the store (which, lately, is a huge task for me) and bought buttermilk for it. Upon returning home I realized the recipe called for half and half instead. So now I'm trying to muster up the energy to get back into my car and buy half and half. Such a chore. . .

Went to the gym today and had a great workout -- ate a bag of Cheetos on my way home. Why do I even GO to the gym?

My lips are dyed orange from the Cheeto cheese.

It's rainy outside today. All I want to do is curl up in bed and read I Am the Messenger. I checked it out today, by the way.

Or I'd love to read Us Weekly. I guess just look at the pictures.

Tod has a co-worker staying with us so last night I made a delicious dinner:

1. Baked chicken
2. Baked potatoes with sour cream/butter/chives
3. Caesar salad
4. Crescent rolls (from the can but still good)

His co-worker friend was taking a nap and never woke up. My beautiful dinner for just the two of us.

I just realized most of my blogs are about food. I'll start reading so I have something else to write about. I am obsessed.

P.S.

I think hooter hiders are sick. Don't ever use that phrase that around me.

Faker

I think John Edwards is using his wife's cancer (or lack thereof) to get votes. He's not black, female or Mormon, so he needed a niche. Wife has cancer. Vote for me.

Now who's linking it?

Late Night Naps

Lately I take naps from 7 pm until 8 pm. Then I go to bed at 10. Why is pregnancy so exhausting?

Also, why is motherhood such a drastic jump compared to marriage, etc...? How do girls do it in their teens? It's such an abstract concept to me. I don't think people can know what it's like to be a mom until they are one. I push my friends' strollers, change their baby's diapers, or watch their babies in dressing rooms while they run to the bathroom. I still don't know what it's like to be a mom.

Should I just start reading this book you're into?

This is a picture my Grandma M. drew when she was a little girl during the depression. You'd think I'd have more artistic talent...

I took a nap and blogged tonight instead of doing my homework, just FYI.

Book Thief vs. I Am the Messenger

I still don't have The Book Thief though I am working on it. In the meantime I am reading I Am the Messenger. Suri about that. My mistake.

No Nursing Moms

I've just discovered a new thing: No Nursing Moms. It's a restriction I wasn't quite aware of in my pre-nursing days. Now I'm aware. Very aware. It's weird becoming a new category all the sudden. First I was pregnant lady. Lots of people saw me and thought: Oh, there's a pregnant lady. Then I became very pregnant lady. Now I'm a mom. A new mom. A nursing mom. A stay at home mom.
Weird.
A year ago I was just me.
I guess that's not true. I was teacher. I was married without kids. I was writer. It's just that this transition seems a little bigger for some reason.

Along with the new me, I've got a little treat that I want to buy. It's called a hooter hider
I think it'd be useful.

In other news, Britney is out of rehab, thank goodness and Angelina and Brad have a new kid. All is right in the world.

D I C K

The title is only because it was written on the sidewalk during my walk today. Thought I'd pass along the message.

Also, since it's been awhile I had to share two events at the house recently:

1. Two Saturdays ago I purchased three boxes of Girl Scout cookies from corner vendors (nine year olds). Three hours later, there was only one Caramel Delight left. I left one to prove I had self control. It was gone that night.

2. Additionally, I cleaned out our fridge. I'm posting pictures of the leftovers I discovered and then threw away, and then the amount of garbage I confiscated in a 30 minute period. Astonishing. However, I realize I hate cleaning out the fridge the most because I'm in denial. I'm in denial that I wasted food, I'm in denial that no one wanted my leftovers and I'm in denial that the food is THAT old. It's all denial and it adds up so usually Tod has to do it. This time I cleaned up my own mess.

3. Stopped reading BOY PROOF and checked out BOOK THIEF. This one better be good.

4. POP QUIZ: Can anyone identify what all four leftover dishes contain?

And then again . . .

WARNING: This picture is horrifying. WARNING: Do not view if you have any hang ups about pregnancy. WARNING: You have already viewed this picture because it's so freaking huge and at the beginning of the post and there was no way to warn you before. WARNING: Yes, those are stretch marks. WARNING: I am out of my mind for posting this. WARNING: Obviously I have no shame. WARNING: Please don't say mean things.

Okay, that's my two cents about strange marks developing while with child. I need a gallon of self-tanning lotion. But, enough about that . . .

1. I didn't LOVE Monster. I remember thinking, this isn't all that great BUT it is kinda cool how he's playing with genre/format.
   
2. We may not be coming because baby lost 400 at the race track last weekend. He's sort of on probation.
3. I watched Half Nelson last night. I don't know why it's called Half Nelson. I think your students would like it but you can't show it because there are bad words, drug use, and some sexuality--they don't know about that stuff.
   
4. I have positive energy so I never get depressed. If you think things are good, they are good. If you think you're really skinny and beautiful, you are really skinny and beautiful. It's just so easy.
5. I tried airborne last night. It didn't help. Luckily, I did read the directions and put it in water, unlike someone I heard about . . . *I love how the package has all over it "created by a second grade teacher" It really adds to the credibility of the stuff.
   
6. It's 50 degrees outside so we're going to set up the slip and slide.
7. I made banana bread.
   

This just in . . .

Winona and Coco will be reading and enjoying and discussing BOY PROOF by Cecil Castellucci. If you or your mother or anyone you know would like to join in the festivities, pick up a copy at your local library and begin a la today. WARNING: I'm serious about today. Ms. Winona is a fast reader with time on her hands. Ms. Coco is already seriously behind. Must catch up. Must get book now. Get in car. Drive. Check it out.

In other news...

...Mr. J straightened his hair today. I wanted to ask him if he was Ringo, John, Paul or George.
...I have pictures to post but can't find what's called a USB cord. Maybe when Tod gets home.
...I had a semi-meltdown at a baby store called Dagerman's on Saturday. Feeling better now but I think I scared their employees.
...I need a good book to read asap. I considered re-reading Bell Jar but don't think my emotional state is a solid enough one to make it through happily.
...I am so so so so so so so so so excited that you and rolling baby are coming to play the slots.
...Did you like Monster? When you first read it?
...You sound like a busy bee...helping write letters, picking up presents, food storage mania, etc...
...Our pool is sparkling like turquoise glass right now.
...Two of our palm trees MAY have died. Nothing's been confirmed.
...I have to tie 100 bows on 100 books before enrichment tomorrow night. Megan had to teach me how to tie bows first.
...Tod has a $50 bill that's brand new and crisp and he wants to keep it. I might sneak it out and spend it on something at Target.
...I've been using self tanning lotion to hide my extra cellulite and weird lines lately.
...I wish my hair were five inches longer. Just five.

House Guests

I don't know HOW you can survive eight strangers in your house for the weekend. I have a hard enough time with people I know, let along eight never-seen-beforeers. You are a nice lady. Speaking of nice, Baby and I slept in today. We were supposed to help tie a quilt for wedding presents. It's a nice thing to do and I'm trying to be a nicer person these days. HOWEVER, day- light savings happened and there was no way we were going to make it to the church by 9:00 a.m. IMPOSSIBLE. I am not even close to that nice.

Baby would love a tiger on his back.
Baby's hands are always cold.
Baby did not roll over today.
Baby did roll over the day before and the day before and the day before but only once a day and only when he feels like it.
Baby is pretty good when Cam cuts fingernails.
Baby only likes pampers diapers.
Baby hates wearing hats.
Baby sat through RS without crying at all. He loves hearing women talk about their insecurities.

I think that's all for now. I will blog more when baby takes a nap. Right now he's very upset with me. Must be because he's grounded.

Monster

I finished Monster today and I'll be honest. I'm not that impressed. Am I too critical, not getting the point or what? It kept my interest long enough to read it, but it didn't move me or make me think at all. In fact, the movie script format was extremely distracting and seemed to me like a desperate attempt to be original and win awards. In the end, is the point that he WAS involved but got away, or that he was innocent? Should I be relieved he wasn't sent to prison? I wasn't. I didn't care. Maybe I'm just having a cynical weekend because there are strangers walking around upstairs and I can't watch TV because there's some kid asleep on it. I'm going out.

Eight

Eight people are staying at our house this weekend. I've met one of them before. He worked with Tod last summer. We live in Las Vegas and he needed a place to stay with a couple friends. One truck and a vanload of people later, our house is full.

Luckily they're all at a basketball game tonight. Looks like I'll be blogging, eating more breadsticks and watching Freaks and Geeks.

On page 80 of Monster. Better than ShadowBaby but I'm still not ALL that impressed. Maybe the ending is where it gets good.

This is a kid who wore a tiger suit to each of his brother's wrestling matches. I want to find one for Van.

Three things, four desserts

1. Night vision goggles were the first item we bought for our 72 hour kit (like on Pee Wee's Big Adventure).

2. When shopping at the store (just for produce) I also added four boxed desserts to the cart: lemon bars, Boston cream pie, double fudge brownies and blueberry muffin mix.

3. Shadow Baby -- page 45 now and feeling nothing. Forcing myself to pick it up. I'll try again tonight.

Mr. J today

Today Mr. J showed up to class wearing red mesh basketball shorts that came down almost to his ankles - I almost asked if they were capri basketball shorts. Shirt sleeves rolled up as usual but today a new twist: slicked back hair.

I have three students who lost their moms over the summer.

I have three girls (that I know of) who are mothers.

I have two expectant fathers, plus Mr. J if he's telling the truth.

I have a girl named Carleny who sounds like she's both deaf and Hispanic...it's this unbelievable accent that leaves me telling her, "Sweetie, I have NO idea what you just said."

Then there's Jason who likes to dye a yin-yang in his hair once in awhile, except right now it's purple and his friend has a mohawk.

Then there's Cortney whose mother paid for a stretch limo and a male stripper for her 16th birthday. She's the only sophomore cheerleader on varsity and she'll tell you so, too.

Then there's Marta on the front row who crouches down in front of the overhead projector screen to take notes. Her parents cannot afford glasses for her this year (Mom called the school). She is quiet but always has an A in my class.

more later...

Would you like these in your purse?

Congratulations on the drive-through. Until recently, I had no idea this was an issue. I have to wonder the root of these issues -- fear of scraping the car or the fear of doing something alone? Going to a movie alone is truly heaven on earth. Here's a new thing I do alone all the time. Maybe you can try this first.

Today after the gym:

I'm at Smith's picking up fresh produce to make a delicious taco salad for dinner tonight. I haven't eaten since lunch and I suddenly (really, it was suddenly) feel weak and shaky...I need something to eat. So I decide to pick out anything in the store I want and eat it while I shop. Now, I've done this in the past with bottles of water -- drink your water while you shop then pay for it at the counter...but never with food. So this became a fun game; decide what your heart desires, no matter the calories or size, and eat it while you shop. In fact, don't even try to hide it...let people know, "Yeah, I haven't paid for this...you gotta problem with it?" and flaunt the food. Do I want chips? Crackers? Ice cream and meat are tricky...how about peanut butter M&Ms?

I spy a doughnut shelf at the end of an aisle. Suddenly it hits me -- I want old fashioned doughnut holes! Bad news -- no holes. Only chocolate holes and some crappy crumb cake holes. So I nab a whole box of full sized old fashioned doughnuts. And right there, in front of the butcher's counter and a bunch of lawn chairs in the next aisle, I proudly rip open the box, take out a doughnut and take a huge bite. Were there people watching? Yes. And I just kept shopping -- taking out doughnuts as I finished the last bite. By the time I got to the counter, the box was half empty. I was feeling much better and I handed them to the lady with a sheepish smile, "Sorry...the baby was hungry." She nods and flashes me a missing tooth smile.

This is when she asked it, like I'd just bought pack of sugarless gum, "Would you like your doughnuts in your purse?"

And I told her yes.

Drive-thrus part deux and Food Storage

I have been through the drive thru at least five times this year. That's a record for me. Each time I did it, it was a conscious decision: I will go to Wendy's, I will go through the drive-thru, I will talk to lady in the box, I will not hit box with car, I will give the lady money, I will not drive too close to window and scrape car, I will not drive too far away from window and have to open door, I will be fine, I will not panic. So far so good. My next goal is to go to the movie alone.

Cam and I have to prepare for a disaster. We are disaster-prepared free. When our ward had an emergency preparedness drill and we had to grab our seventy two hour kits, well, all we had were these tin cans filled with granola bars and toothpaste that I'd made at enrichment. When we got to the church, we were, umm, the laughingstock of the neighborhood. Everyone else had huge duffel bags on wheels, fatigues, night vision goggles, and propane tanks. Recently our ward food-storage couple called us over to their house to help us assess our food-storage needs (we have NO food storage except for the two boxes of cup-o-noodles I bought for Cam's lunch). Needless to say, the food storage couple found out we were behind. So now, as a newly minted housewife, I am starting a new pursuit: home storage and some sort of domesticity. I may make bread.

Massage Chairs and Drive-thrus

Costco has amazing massage chairs--DELUXE. When I was heavy with child I sniffed them out and I was so so so so excited. Heaven. However, right as I was easing my butt into the leather folds, Cam pointed out a large sign above the chair: No children under 12, persons with diabetes or heart conditions, and pregnant women. I was furious. Pregnant women? How would a pleasant massage hurt my unborn child? Get him too relaxed? Settle his mother's stress? I rationalized and rationalized and rationalized but in the end, I had to just stand and watch as Cam enjoyed a DELUXE massage.

Moral of the Story: Find a massage chair that doesn't have a sign above it because clearly massages are very important and will not hurt pregnant women but some companies are paranoid so they take every precaution to cover their butt so they won't get sued and hyperchondriac ladies like me (and you?) will be guilted into not sitting and partaking of the pressure goodness.

Second Moral of the Story: I'm glad you found a massage chair and who could ever hope for a massage chair + US magazine + Asian women. You can relax, get your gossip, and work through some preconceived issues all at the same time.

Attempt #1

I almost forgot -- I attempted to befriend an elderly Asian woman while at the pharmacy today (maybe I was being a little harsh). She was sitting next to me in a normal chair while I enjoyed my massage chair.

Me: I could sit here all day! This chair is great! (SMILE)
E.A.W.: Yeahhhh...(then stood up and walked away)

Demo Massage

First of all, I think once you have kids, you live in a permanent pee house until everyone is at least riding a two wheeler bike on their own. Your sentence has just begun.

Secondly, there were several sophomore breakups over the weekend; needless to say I had a handful of moody, heartbroken adolescents to teach today. How do you get devastated teens excited about Julius Caesar?

Finally, my back aches are becoming unbearable. It starts with my ribs and works all the way around to my spine. I might be dying. So after the gym today I stopped at a pharmacy near my house to fill a Rx. As I handed my info to the spiky haired lady at the counter, I spotted this chair in the corner -- a massage chair! As I moved closer I saw the words "FREE DEMO!" and then spent 30 minutes (no exaggeration) sitting in that demo chair, reading Us Weekly -- all for free. Did other people want the chair? Sure! Did I care? No! In fact, I played dumb like, "What? All the chairs aren't massage chairs?" and just sat there, sticking out my belly, hoping no one would kick me out after hitting the DEMO button maybe 20 times. Ahhhhhh -- the best I've felt all day. I may go back regularly to read the news and get a massage.

Brooke cannot save Britney and neither can a Hollywood rehab, according to Dr. Phil. He says she needs much more serious help than that. How about David Beckham's knee injury? I'm sure that Posh Spice almost became Scared Spice thinking all that $$$ may not come through. Awwwwww.

Are you serious?

What happened? Where did it happen? Gashes on his head? Please post pictures. I must see. BTW, didn't you say he rented a sports car? Hmmm. Tell him we are thinking about him, and his gashes, and his smashed car.

Today it's sunny outside and I varied my diet: Oatmeal, banana, and milk. Your guess was that it was the dairy causing the motor but I've always had dairy--no problem. I think it's the soy. I'll let you know.

Please note that not only are we windy here, but we have a lot of pee. Pee on clothes, pee on skin, pee on sheets. Pee is everywhere. Last night we had to change baby's clothes only three times. Now, this begs the question, is there an abundance of pee, so much that diaper can't hold it OR are the diapers of such low quality that it's impossible for pee not to escape OR are we bad diaperers? It could be a combination of all three of these and thus we will not be buying Target brand diapers again. A girl in my neighborhood thinks they are the BEST DIAPERS ever. I trusted her and now we're the pee house.

I haven't been able to buy Shadow Baby yet. I plan to tomorrow.

The black bananas were in the picture to indicate that in the future I would be making banana bread.

And finally, can Brooke Shields save Britney? The jury is out.

Dairy

1. I think it's the dairy that's causing the problem. I suggest you eliminate it for a week and see what happens.

2. Next time you take a picture of your bananas, leave the black one out of the shot.

3. Elderly Asian ladies are the only ones who have disrupted my routine...it's happened more than once and it's always THEM. Explain that.

4. Tod totalled a rental car while he was in Utah but he's okay except some gashes in his head.

Gas

Lately I've been passing gas QUITE often. I'm a motorboat. This means that baby is also a motorboat. I've been trying to figure out what in my diet is making this happen. Here are some things I eat on a regular basis:
























Please let me know which one has the most gas-giving potential. If you have to, ask someone at your gym. Perhaps the Elderly Asian Lady. Communication breaks barriers.

Dear Winona

My dear Winona,
I am so sorry about your experience at the gym. I understand how frustrating it can be to have your routine thwarted. I do, however, have some questions. First of all, does it matter that this messer-upper was Asian? Or elderly? Or poorly dressed? Isn't the core issue the lack of knowledge/gym etiquette? I think, perhaps, there are some other deep-rooted feelings that we may need to address. I'll let you ponder and when you feel ready--we can discuss.

Elderly Asians

I wouldn't consider myself to be a judgmental person. Should that have an 'e' in it?

However, I have decided that elderly Asians should not be allowed to circuit train at the gym. When I get up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning to go to the gym, I don't have time to deal with people wearing huge t-shirts and headbands who started their membership at Christmas and have been once (today) since. Especially on circuit machines.

They say you can do all the machines three times in 24 minutes if you stay in order. I stay in order and as soon as I finish a machine, the next machine is occupied by a saggy Asian woman who has changed all my settings and is moving the machine so fast I have to wonder if there's a zero resistance option. Then she hops off, gets on the nearest bike, and rides her hardest (once again, zero resistance setting) for a minute, then finds the next machine I need and starts her cycle again. This isn't the first time.

I feel like some gyms (or maybe we should just say circuit machines) should require prerequisites: have you been to a gym before? do you know what it feels like to sweat? raise your heartrate? do you realize there are people here who are serious about exercising? if so, what is proper circuit etiquette? sign here, please, and promise to follow all circuit rules or else you're out and we get to keep your X-L t-shirt and sweatband.

These same ladies are the ones bending over naked in the gym to blowdry their hair. Their boobs are like water balloons that are not round but long and dripping to the floor.

Mr. J

Mr. J is in my class this year. He shows up two weeks late for school on crutches that are too short for him. His sleeves are rolled up and his cast is fake. His dramatic entrance comes ten minutes into class so everyone looks. He acts excited to be in school.That day he tells me he's going to be a father.The stories continue: he was homeless in 5th grade (due mostly to his crack addictions), he's a recovering alchoholic, he wanted to play football/basketball/wrestle/baseball but his DAMN knee injury...His girlfriend wasn't pregnant anymore but is again but her parents won't "let him do nothin to help"...he has more facial hair than most male teachers at the school, and his sleeves are still rolled up six months later.And he wears pull-away pants. Those are the kind of pants you could rip off a person by grabbing and whipping your hands away. Today in class he made the comment, "No matter who you are, where you live, what you do...always gonna be someone critic-icizing you." Critic-icizing.

exit the vehicle

Yesterday as I walked to my car after work, I witnessed a scene.

I heard yelling so I looked up to see a rusty white SUV with its windows down. The passenger door flew open and a body came tumbling out. Brakes screeched, more yelling. Mom comes around the front of the car screaming, "ARE YOU OKAY!!" more for us to hear than her daughter, who just rolled like a rag doll from the vehicle, whipping her head against the cement. This girl tries to act casual; like she jumps from moving cars all the time. She stomps away both frazzled and upset at Mom. Mom's a maniac, yelling all sorts of nonsense and they get into some type of Cheaters type fight shouting simultaneously. Cars are lining up and the girl is obviously embarassed. Her black hoodie and baggy jeans are all twisted and dusty. Probably from rolling in the gutter.

I think she wanted a different ending; her, jumping from the car, jogging it off casually and then disappearing so her mom would have to worry about her all night long and then they'd be even. Turns out, it was a post-parent conference blow up and this girl was obviously feeling very dramatic and brave. Doing what we all wish we could do -- jumping from a moving vehicle.

Books, Babies and Botox

The first thing I should say is . . . I haven't showered for two days. The second thing I should say is this is a happy place where we can discuss things like books (we can start with Alaska), babies (mine or yours), and botox (ie: celebrity lives because it's really important).

SOOOOOOO books. Alaska--did you really like her? I mean did you really care about her? This was my concern with the book. I didn't even really like Miles (or should I call him pudge?) and I was in his head the whole time. Was it the whole boarding school setting that was throwing me off or was it hard to identify with the characters? Just wondering.

Also--would your students like this book? I mean really? Why or why not.

And finally, is Britney over?

Baby front is good. Sitting in his chair with a binky in his mouth wondering if I'll ever shower. I guess kids like their mommies smelling like soap rather than . . . what I smell like.